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Oscar Wilde himself once said “biography lends to death a new terror”, so I’ll try and keep this as brief and entertaining as possible. Talking of Mr. Wilde, I saw ‘The Importance of Being Earnest’ when I was about eight at my local theatre, I found the whole situation terribly amusing and immediately wanted to change my name to Bunbury. I was a slightly odd child.

My first ever memory is of racing my sister towards an oak tree, falling and crying, I was clearly destined for a life of failure, emotional pain and a deep seated hatred for any form of running. Despite all this, I had quite a pleasant childhood, there always seemed to be an abundance of picnics, airplanes and ice cream. I didn’t learn to swim until I was eighteen, and I still can’t ride a bike, but I have many happy memories of waddling around a beach in an orange swimsuit eating cocktail sausages.

That’s clearly all very idealised, truthfully I don’t remember much about anything that happened before about five minutes ago. I know I wet myself once in class and I know I was very excited about getting a uniform just like my sister. Apparently I went to America once too, but this I don’t recall in the slightest, and I still haven’t completely discounted the fact that my parents might actually be lying about this just to make my childhood sound vaguely exciting.

- Dagger.